Well, like a typical English major...if I can't sleep I must write! About 30 minutes ago my sweet husband ended our day like every other day with an amazingly sweet prayer. Tonight we thanked God for His leadership and sovereign guidance in our lives. Then, as I tried to sleep so many thoughts came to my mind about the last 6 months of our journey through the missions process.
In 45 minutes it will be April 2nd. That means that we will have officially declined reactivation for ISC through the International Missions Board. In 45 minutes a dream that I have had for a long time (over 11 years at least) has been told to wait. In 45 minutes we are no longer considered in the mission application process for overseas mission.
But, over the last 6 months I have learned something very important about myself. I had a dream...yes, I know you are hearing MLK in your ears! I had a dream that one day I would be living in Africa with my amazing family working on the mission field. Through the years that dream, although sounding quite spiritual, began to be an idol in my life. It was getting in the way every day of my total surrender to WHATEVER God is calling me to do.
My thoughts were always somewhat on the time in our lives when "the real ministry" would begin...meaning mission work in Africa. But, slowly those thoughts grew into an idea deep down inside that the ministry God had for us here was lacking. That it wasn't the ministry I wanted to be doing. It was Jay's ministry...and I was just the compliant wife of a youth minister.
Then, about about 6 months ago, we applied to the IMB...my dream was becoming a reality. We both felt so strongly that we should apply. But, strangely enough, my words were always that God had called us to apply...not really sure He was calling us to go. As we started to apply, the first answer we got from the IMB was wait. Then, in January, the second answer we got was wait. And then when I emailed about a question...I never got an answer. Sounds like God is up to something, huh?
Meanwhile, Jay and I are fasting and praying like crazy because an unmistakable feeling was creeping over us both. We were not at peace with the timing. It wasn't time for us to go...but why? Why would God call us to apply and then not send us? I don't have His answer for that...only God truly knows the answer to that question I have surely asked 100 times or more.
But, the precious loving answer is...wait. For how long? I don't know. What are we to do now? I don't know. Where will Jay work? I don't know. Where will we be in the next months? I don't know.
"Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Timothy 1:12
God knows. He has my whole heart today on April 1st. Though it is hard to be disciplined for having an idol in my life, it is so wonderful to know that God is able to guard my heart which I have given freely to Him as my Lord. He is in charge of the future. I know whom I have believed and I AM convinced that He is able...to do what is GOOD...all the time.
Thank you to those who have fervently prayed for and with us through these months. Thank you for joining us as we seek God's path ever still...day by day. Thank you for allowing us to be honest and share our lives.
My mom and I talked yesterday and she said, "death of a dream is hard." We have all sorts of dream...things we expect out of this life. Healthy children, long lives, enough money for everything we want, happy marriages, good times and great friends. But, for most of us, we have experienced the death of one or many of those dreams. The place where we realize that we don't hold the dreams of this life, God does. His plans are not our plans and His ways are not our ways.
But, He is good and all He does is good...it's who He is! So, tonight as I should be sleeping, I am praising God that He is the one who holds my dreams. I am so grateful that I have a God who holds not only my life, but this entire creation with sovereign hands. What a glorious ride and what I have learned from an amazingly gentle God these past few months.
No we are not going to Africa in a few months...but we are on mission with Him day by day. May I join God today and every day where He is at work in this world, no matter where that may be! Thank you, Lord for loving me enough to say "wait".
1 comment:
I can't even tell you how much you have taught me and brought into my life in the past two weeks!! I came home the first day after the Bible Study and told Chad, "Frances is exactly the teacher I need in my life right now!" I don't believe that is by chance! I am tired of being a lukewarm Christian and it's hard to find other believers who are on fire for the Lord. As sad as I am that your not going to Africa-- I'm so happy that he has you here for another purpose.
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